I’ve Cried Everyday

I am burnt out

I am, and I haven't felt like this in a long time.

I feel like I am over a lot of things at the moment. There are days where I don't wish to do anything at all. I want to sleep or just get away by myself for a while. August came and went. We traveled and traveled more than we thought due to a death in our family. There was emotional and physical exhaustion.

Mommying is hard at the moment, and with every stage of my child's development, there are more stressors. At the moment, she is a nonstop energizer bunny. Working 40+ hours, trying to blog, being a mom, cleaning my house, thinking about groceries, what to cook, working out, and having time for myself and relationships are overwhelming. I haven't been myself lately for sure. I'm not one to nap, but I have slept during my lunch and after work this last week.

I have cried almost every day because of that mom's guilt. I have yelled for feeling that I need a break and when she throws a tantrum. Being a mom is hard, and now I know that. I know I won't have those perfect moments, and I can't control everything, but oh my, is it hard when you feel sad for feeling this way but knowing deep down inside you need a break from all of this. Feeling guilty when you see others trying to have a child, you have one but can't handle it. I know this feeling won't last long. It won't last long if I make a change and take time for myself.

I do miss my old life, and lately, I've been feeling that way every day. I miss being able to leave at any moment. Not ask someone to take care of my baby. I did not need to worry about 4728174837483 things. I miss having a clean house because that's something that triggers my anxiety. When my house is clean, I feel more at ease, which doesn't change from one day to another. I miss myself a lot. I miss feeling and looking pretty.

Before you say anything, I do love my child, but at the moment, I don't want to be "mommy." There are moments of the day where I want to call it quits, but other times where I look at my baby and know how much I love that beautiful child and being her mommy. So I have to take it day by day, until then, I need to destress. These are the truths of every mommy at one point or another and this is my Truth right now. At the moment, I need to put myself first, but the guilt is there.