A year with PostPartum Depression
So it's been one year since I was diagnosed with Postpartum depression. Thinking back to how I was feeling back then to how I am now is a significant change. Sometimes I still struggle on this journey of motherhood, but it seems like it's normal for many moms. Something I wish I knew a year ago. Many women only talk about the great things motherhood has to offer, which is true. Motherhood brings a lot of joys and beautiful moments but not every day. Mom's still shaming other moms on what they do and what they don't do for their children or themselves. Just like marriage, we only see the happily ever after but never talk about those challenging moments. Those moments of sacrifice and getting a bit irritated with your spouse. Remember, nothing in life is perfect, especially being a mom.
A year ago, I wished I wasn't a mom. I was asking myself why did I try so hard to be a mom. It's not for me. It was one of the hardest things I had to say out loud. I still remember telling my dad how I felt and crying for a few minutes, thinking how cruel I was, but feeling happy to let my feelings out. The first few months were a blur, and I honestly don't remember much. I just felt like I was in a dark hole, not being able to come out of it. Luckily I had a lot of support around me. But, even though I had help, I don't remember talking to many people who said that I would text or call them. That's how deep inside of my thoughts I was. It was a challenging 2020 and, I didn't have a clear vision.
Now, I am a happier person and stronger. I love being a mom to my beautiful baby girl. I always loved her but, I didn't love being a mom. Now, I know to ask for "me time" and take time for myself to be the best mom for my baby. Acknowledging when you need time for yourself is essential in being a great mom. Many women can do this by themselves, but I need support from my parents, in-laws, and husband. I know now I can't do everything by myself, and that's ok. At times I still hear, "why is your mom or in-laws always helping you?" like shaming me for getting the help, but it's because I'm a working mom that had a husband working odd hours during the day/night. Every family has different opportunities and obstacles when it comes to raising a family. It's up to you how you want your support system to help you if you can get or like the help from others.
Asking for help was something that I had to learn throughout the year. I did not want the help because my mother never received support. She did it all on her own. Then, of course, my grandmother would help when she would come down, but it wasn't the same. So I took that to heart because I was the one who wanted a baby, so I had to do this by myself. Luckily my mom told me that she was there for me, and I was so happy we had the conversation we did.
I am still in therapy and, at times, fall back and get overwhelmed with daily life. But, at every stage of your life, there is always something adding to your plate. I am learning how not to get overwhelmed, to learn to put myself first, and control my feelings. I am journaling more often and listing all the things I am proud of. Sometimes I do get stuck on the negatives. I give myself some space for me "me time." Even though I am working from home, I have to put in boundaries for my personal space. I usually work out for 30 min during my lunch. I can also tell my mom, husband, or mother-in-law to take care of my baby so I can go to the store, get my nails done or go to the spa by myself. If I can't help myself first, I can't help my family. I was already in that situation once, and I don't ever want to be in that dark place.
Even though I am doing so much better, I am still in therapy. I still have my moments where I fall back, and things are triggered, which now, my PTSD and PPD are constantly fighting with each other. The other day my mom was still in awe that I was in therapy. She thought, "I thought you didn't have that anymore (PPD)." I can control it, but I still have it, and luckily, I only now need therapy every 6-8 weeks instead of every week like when I started.
I am proud of my journey. I am proud of my struggles because I am in a better place, and now I have this drive and passion for trying new things because of this struggle. I am also happy to tell my story because I want to help one person out there not feel how I felt with something that ALL mothers go through. So let's talk about real-life issues. Let's support one another.