I felt like I made a big mistake of having a child.
Being away from my newborn was extremely hard. I was in physical and emotional pain. I returned to my room to recover, and my breast pump was already there, ready for me. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. The nurse came in wanting to assist me in trying the pump. I started to cry because I wish my labor and delivery were different. I gave birth at 34 weeks and had a C-section, and I felt that it was hard for me to breastfeed. I felt like my body wasn't ready to produce milk because of those specific things (personal feeling). I had my baby at 10:10 am and was not able to see my baby until 8 pm. Now, that was hard. I received phone calls from the NICU Dr stating that my baby had no medical issues. Everything that they told us was not true, and the baby was fine. It was a miracle, and I couldn't believe it. I cried of the excitement and relief.
The first time I saw my baby in the NICU, I could not hold her due to all the machines. It was so hard not to hold her, but at least to see her was great. The next day the nurse allowed me to hold her, and it was the best feeling in the world. After that, I started to feel a bit disconnected from my child. Her being in the NICU wasn't the best feeling. It was hard for me to produce milk, and I was feeling down. My baby was only there for almost two weeks. I am glad it was only a short amount of time because I hated going there. Some nurses were great, and some that were just good. I had a nurse tell me that I wasn't coming/ staying enough, and that's why my baby didn't want to eat with me. I was already feeling disconnected, and that just took me over the edge. I remember leaving the NICU and automatically shedding some tears. I felt like a horrible mother.
I wasn't feeling 100%. I just had a c-section, and it was so hard for me even to walk. I wasn't resting. I almost fainted going to the NICU because I wanted to "tough it out." I was feeling like a failure, and I didn't have my baby at home. Once my baby arrived home at almost 4lbs, the worries rose, and my anxiety was out of control. As a new parent, you're worried about everything. I was scared to have a 4lb baby at home and hope nothing would happen to her. I tried to breastfeed but I felt like it was taking over my life. I wasn't eating or sleeping and at that point, I felt like I made a big mistake of having a child. That feeling killed me inside because I know it was not right. I prayed for this child, and now, I hated my life.